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Performing for Toronto during semis at the 2014 National Poetry Slam.
Subtítulos en español por Candela Glikin
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I was at a color guard competition, and this started with say something in He background. The girls started dancing, but I wasn’t paying attention. I was listening to the words. It hooked me in right at the start. I was crying around he end. When she said neither can I, all the girls turned towards the audience, and yelled with her. I burst into tears. Because I relate to this. And I didn’t think it was true. I didn’t want to think it was true. My friend I was sitting with could tell I was struggling, but she was part of the reason I was depressed. I liked her. But I’m a girl. She’s a girl. So I can’t like her. My family is completely Christian. When my friend could tell I was struggling, she grabbed my hand and took me out of there. But I didn’t want her to see me like that. So I ran off. This happened yesterday. I haven’t talked to her, and she hasn’t talked to me. She knows I need space sometimes, but I’m gonna need space for awhile.
So I stopped going to school for a year and last year I attended school again, whenever I had episodes, I can't get out of bed and can't go to school anymore which of course made my mom mad all the time, I tried telling her that I want to go back to psychiatrist again, she assured me that we will go back but months passed, we didn't. I've gotten worse to the point i didn't attend school for almost two months, and everyday was hell. My Mom would yell at me telling me how mad and disappointed she is,I tried telling her, they're back, the voices, my depression was back, she got mad and told it to my much older cousin, my grandmother and her older sister. They laugh and said fck it's back again? and I clearly heard my mom said If anyone had the right to be depressed it should be her for having a child like me.
I feel the pain all day everyday from the moment I wake up at 7:25 AM to the moment I fall asleep at 5:00 AM and the knife in the kitchen looks more and more friendly I tell my family and thay don't listen thay think I'm joking
Described beautifully and perfectly. That is what depression feels like, it sucks. You feel you should be happy but aren't sure if you really deserve to be happy. You don't want to tell others because you don't want them to carry the burden of knowing the sadness and anger an guilt that you feel every day. Like I said, depression sucks.
Heh, this makes me realize I have depression, I cut, I cry, I hurt, I lie, I tell my mom “I am fine”, but the only thing I feel inside, is the sadness coming to break my mind, just like everyone broke my trust, my love, my soul, but “I am fine”, I can pretend, and I will, because why bring other people down with you, right...
I told my mom I was depressed last year and the first thing she say was "no you're not" and that was if I was just doing it for attention and now if I seem off the first thing she'll say is "Are you going to cry. Are you depressed." She still likes to deny that something is wrong she says she'll take me to see someone to help me but she never does.
i found this and i WISH i could say this to SOMEONE. I can't. my mom will blame my father, my dad won't really understand, and my grandma takes everything too personally. THIS IS WHAT I FEEL yet i tell nobody. My friend has depression, most of my friends do. i cover up this pain with a smile- a mask -so no one can see my bottled up emotions. im sorry i got carried away, i just badly needed to vent everything keeping me back.
Explaining my depression:
Its like something covering my eyes and blinding me from finding happiness whispering to me that it can help me, whispering that if I eat less I'll be perfect, If I stay quiet i'll feel better and happier. Wrong. It slowly kills me everyday, somedays its a raging fire, other days its as small as a candle flame, It blinds me to the point of not wanting to get out of bed, that it's worthless and a waste of the tiny percentage of energy I have left from constantly staying up night after night crying my eyes out and trying to scream for help yet I can't cause all my hope has drained out of my ice cold heart. It says that i'm fine, and I believe it, when really I can't even find myself in this pitch black sea of negativity that has surrounded me through the years yet I've been to caught up in trying to be perfect I couldn't notice it. Its like i'm a dog and the demon has the chain pulling me by the throat only to want to throw me off a cliff. sometimes I fight back, sometimes I drop dead and let it take me. I've been fighting and staying strong for years but my energy has gone down to the point where I want to give up, but I wont let it take me, not yet..
Her:I make planes but I don’t want to go
Me:- starts crying and can’t stop- what’s rong with me!!
Mom:starts walking down the hallway we’re I am
Me:- wipes tears away really fast-
Mom:Come on your already having problems with this stuff
Me:I don’t understand why I......am like this
Mom:it’s ok ima get ready for. Work by
Just wanted to say... this poem meant so much to me after my mom passed away. Was a really difficult time. Watched this video a lot. It's a few years later, just happened to run into this. Can't even relate to how she feels, just a memory. So whoever is out there struggling, just know that time heals all things. Even if you don't want it to. This isn't the best you've got. The future has a lot in store.
Mom, my depression is like a shapeshifter. One day It's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear, the next it's the bear. On those days, I play dead until the bear leaves me alone.I call the bad days, "The Dark Days". Mom says, "Try lighting candles". But, when i see a candle, i see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame. Sparks of a memory younger than noon. I'm standing beside her open casket. It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die! Besides mom, I'm not afraid of the dark... Perhaps that's part of the problem. Mom says, " I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed". I can't!! anxiety holds me a hostage inside.. Inside of my house, inside my mind. Mom says,"Where did anxiety come from?". Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town. That depression felt obligated to invite to the party. MOM, I'M AM THE PARTY!!! Only i am a party i don't want to be at. Mom says, "why don't you try going to actual parties see your friends." Sure I make plans, I make plans but i don't wanna go. I make plans because i know i should want to go; i know...Sometimes i would have wanted to go. It's just not that fun having fun when you don't have fun, mom. You see, mom, each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light. Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company. Mom says, " try counting sheep." But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake. So i go for walks. But my stuttering kneecaps clank like sliver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me i am sleep walking on an ocean of happiness.... That ic an not baptize myself in. Mom says, "Happy is a decision" But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg. My happy is a high fever that will break, Mom says "I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if i am afraid of dying. NO, I AM AFRAID OF LIVING!!!!! MOM I AM LONELY!! I think i learned that when dad left....How to turn the anger into the lonely the lonely into busy So, when i say I've been super busy lately... I mean I've been falling asleep watching SportCentre on the couch, to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed. But my depression always drags me back to my bed. Until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city. My mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves. The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat but i am just a careless tourist here. I will never truly know everywhere i have been. Mom, still doesn't understand...Mom, can't you see.... That neither can I!!
‘Why do you have depression?!’ Says mum.
‘The reason I have depression is because of this- because of this anger and yelling.’ Says me.
‘You just can’t control your anger.’ Says mum.
‘Just like I can’t control the fact that I have feelings that aren’t being taken care of because you keep blaming it on other things!’ Says me.
‘I’m not blaming it on other things I’m just saying fact.’ Says mum.
‘The fact is I need help and you’re ignoring me!’ Says me.
My version Of explaining my depression to my mum
I lay awake at night wondering where I am I feel as if I am still asleep but the pain in my chest tells me I’m not.
Mom says just try falling asleep again it shouldn’t be that hard plus your a little too young for this
Too young when will I be old enough I understand what I’m going through so does that not count? My anxiety drags me by my ankles while you stand there watching me get taken away but you don’t care
Of course i do sweety I love you and I would never let anything hurt you
Well your a bit too late well actually really late so far I’ve learnt some things like heartbreak that can mentally destroy you and my headaches are based on lies I tell myself.
Mom says well don’t lie tell the truth it’s better that way
Well I would but it’s harder than you think
I’ve been through depression and i’m older so i have more experience
NO MOM you don’t because you still don’t understand what I’m saying I sit up thinking where did I go wrong in life than I skip back to when I held that knife hand shaking mind rapidly spinning around like a leaf in the wind. Somedays I actually get sleep but depression always finds a way to creep into my head i toss and turn to try and wash away those thoughts but I wake Up seeing a face on the ceiling
Mom says who is it? That’s creepy
I yell and say It me I’m watching myself sleep and I’m forcing myself to have bad dreams
Because I don’t want to be happy anymore
Because If I was then I’d be broken more often
So she says try think of something positive
But How can I do that if I’m always so sad
Well don’t be sad
Mom you just don’t get it
She says are you afraid of dying
No i’m afraid of living
Well how come?
Because I know as long as i’m alive I can be hurt
Well who hurts you?
Someone showed me this a while back and I've never heard someone sum up depression so beautifully in 3 and half minutes it's a lonely cold road, but for everyone out there I beg of you to keep going keep trying and keep expressing things, much love to you all really and truly💘
Your so brave, thank you for this. I have been trying to put my depression n anxiety into words for more years then i can count i sent this to my mother. I know its not about your mother but just haveing someone to understand is a step. Your brave your strong your beautiful! And so talented! Tank you thank you thank you thank you
Does anyone else like can feel wat she just said when i watch this over n over n i can like feel a pain in my chest n even broke down n cry n something i feel like im just a useless human who is just causing more trouble for my family
For example, an American fashion company might source fabric in China and have the clothes manufactured in Vietnam, finished in Italy, and shipped to a warehouse in the United States for distribution to retail outlets internationally. The fashion industry has long been one of the largest employers in the United States, and it remains so in the 21st century. However, employment declined considerably as production increasingly moved overseas, especially to China. Because data on the fashion industry typically are reported for national economies and expressed in terms of the industry’s many separate sectors, aggregate figures for world production of textiles and clothing are difficult to obtain . However, by any measure, the industry accounts for a significant share of world economic output.
The fashion industry consists of four levels: the production of raw materials, principally fibres and textiles but also leather and fur; the production of fashion goods by designers, manufacturers, contractors, and others; retail sales; and various forms of advertising and promotion. These levels consist of many separate but interdependent sectors, all of which are devoted to the goal of satisfying consumer demand for apparel under conditions that enable participants in the industry to operate at a profit.